Dalik
The Ballad of Sir Stukahh and the Tower of Utter Confusion
In the Kingdom of Tellimar, where dragons paid taxes and dwarves argued over the proper thickness of ale foam, there stood a lonely tower upon a windswept hill.
From that tower came a desperate cry.
"HELP MY MATE!"
Lady Fiona, famed Orcish shieldmaiden and occasional instigator of unnecessary adventures, pointed dramatically toward the tower.
"The cry came from there!"
The wise dwarf Grombrindal adjusted his spectacles.
"Our kingdom provides mandatory healer's guild coverage. Whatever afflicts the poor soul should already be covered."
Everyone nodded.
No one knew why he had said that.
Inside the tower sat Sir Stukahh.
He was perfectly comfortable.
He had food.
He had ale.
He had a nice chair.
He wasn't imprisoned.
He simply enjoyed the view.
"I'm dandy," he shouted from the window.
Young Humanoid, the peasant, scratched his head.
"I've no guild employment yet, so every visit to the castle physician costs me three silver and four copper."
The crowd agreed this seemed remarkably affordable.
No one knew why this had become the topic of conversation.
Then rode forth Sir Turgon.
A knight whose greatest weapon was his imagination.
He gazed toward the tower.
"...I just imagined Stukahh as a damsel in distress."
The crowd slowly turned toward him.
He continued.
"Locked in a tower like Lady Rapunzel."
Silence.
Even the horses looked uncomfortable.
Lady MonkeyJtzu sighed.
"I think you've had enough mead for one evening."
Turgon folded his arms.
"You're not my mother."
The monk raised an eyebrow.
"I didn't say I was."
"You can't tell me what to do."
"I literally just suggested sleep."
Turgon thought for a moment.
"...Anything."
He corrected himself proudly.
MonkeyJtzu pointed toward the tower.
"Stukahh could make you listen."
Sir Turgon laughed.
"Nay! I am far too swift!"
A nearby bard quietly muttered,
"That's what she said."
No one knew what it meant.
Everyone laughed anyway.
The dwarf Grombrindal blinked several times.
"...Wait."
He looked at MonkeyJtzu.
"Did you just say Stukahh is Turgon's mother?"
The silence returned.
Longer this time.
From atop the tower came Stukahh's confused voice.
"What in the blazes?"
After a thoughtful pause he added,
"...Perhaps I'm his father."
The assembled company stared upward.
Turgon immediately responded,
"I'm walking right past that statement."
The Elf Elfsas wandered into the gathering carrying groceries.
"What have I missed?"
Everyone answered at once.
Nothing helped.
"I wish I'd stayed in the forest."
Humanoid stroked his beard.
"Perhaps Stukahh is both mother and father."
MonkeyJtzu nodded solemnly.
"A single parent."
The crowd accepted this explanation despite there being absolutely no evidence whatsoever.
Just then Sir Roland of Gilead rode into the square.
He surveyed the gathering.
He looked at the tower.
He looked back at the crowd.
"I have many questions."
No one answered.
"This may delay Friday's tuna distribution."
Gasps echoed across the kingdom.
Now things had become serious.
Lady Fiona finally broke the silence.
She smiled mischievously.
"I suspect Stuk imprisoned her in the tower for later."
The entire gathering slowly looked back toward Stukahh.
Stuk nearly fell from the window.
"I DID NO SUCH THING!"
From somewhere beyond the hills came the voice of old Tamerlane.
"The clocks have changed again!"
Nobody knew what that had to do with anything.
It somehow made perfect sense.
The royal chronicler later recorded the events with admirable precision:
On the Second Day of August, Sir Stukahh was accused of being a princess, a father, a mother, a jailer, and possibly Rapunzel. No rescue occurred because the alleged captive repeatedly insisted he was perfectly fine. Sir Turgon remained unsupervised, despite several attempts to send him to bed. The Tuna Caravan departed two hours late, and the Kingdom never entirely recovered from the conversation.
And thus ended another perfectly ordinary evening in the Kingdom of Illyriad, where confusion was plentiful, logic was optional, and every tavern conversation somehow became legend.